El Cuarto Vacio

Hold On To Your Horses!

2009-01-27T22:55:00.004+08:00

I think I'm taking this MOVING FORWARD thing to a whole new level, but believe me when I say that I seriously need this. This may seem like a spur-of-the-moment thing, and in a lot of ways, it is. But to be honest, this has really been in the works for YEARS now. And now, windows are opening up and I'm just taking opportunities while they're still available.

And contrary to what other people may think, I'm really just doing this for the simplest reasons and perhaps, the most selfish. SOUL-SEARCHING may seem like too much of a cliche, but I can't really think of any other term that's more perfect right now. Who knows, in a span of a few weeks, I might grow up more than I ever would in a span of years and years of being "stuck."

It's even funny how I was talking to a friend the other day, and he just out of the blue told me that he seemed to notice something "different" about me. He said I seemed "happier." I don't know what exactly it was that made him notice, but I guess I sort of am. I can't exactly explain it though... but things just seem to excite me more and more everyday.

It feels good to finally have promises come to life! And I'm just so blessed to have such loving and generous people around me. (And I feel like my older brother, Jay Jay, is like my FAIRY GOD FATHER of some sorts. haha! I love you very, very much Jay!) Anyway... Hold on to your horses world, here I come!

P.S. I refuse to explain myself nor give specific details about this post. Hahahahahahaha. It's just that, I've been keeping this a SECRET for a while now. Bagag nawung!

Take Things As They Are

2009-01-19T18:57:00.002+08:00

If there's one thing I learned over the past few weeks.., it's that I SHOULD JUST TAKE THINGS AS THEY ARE. That way, everything seems much more level-headed... and safe. Just like the way they were.

Like A Fish Out of Water, But Strangely Loving It!

2009-01-14T20:40:00.005+08:00

It feels good to do something without feeling the least bit of awkwardness. It’s as if you know that you were always meant to be doing that very thing. I think I now finally realize what it is like to be in your own element. And it may sound harsh, but somehow I feel like I’ve finally (finally!) gotten out of a suffocating trap that I’ve long been trying to escape from.

It’s not all peaches and cream though. In fact, I’m not even quite there yet. I’m only at the beginning phases and nothing seems to be a breeze. But still, everything ironically just seems a hundred times much more easier to bear these days. Amazingly, I find myself waking up everyday without much complaint and even with a lot of unexpected enthusiasm. And despite the exhaustion, I still find the energy to get through until I finally end the day by walking home despite the heat.

And believe me when I say that not everyone understands. And this is one of the hardest parts of making all these decisions. But someone once told me to never apologize for who I am or for something that I truly believe in. And so, that’s exactly how I’d want to live from now on… unapologetic for living “life” and being who I want to be.

These days I feel very much like a fish out of water, because to be honest, so many of these things happening are all new to me. It’s funny to think that at 21 I could be so naïve and experienced all at the same time. And there’s still so much of that dreaded UNCERTAINTY, although it’s funny how it all seems a hundred times more optimistic now. I guess there’s just no better way in starting the New Year, but with new beginnings…

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

… BUT I’ve had a colorful 2008. In fact, it was probably one of the most eventful (with all the highs and lows) years in my life so far. So here’s my attempt to the remember the highlights (from the most shallow to the happiest and even the not-so-happy times) of the year that has passed…

- spent New Year’s 2008 with my family complete (I count the times when we’re complete, because this rarely happens especially with Jay living in Manila and maybe soon, other members of the family will be moving away too)

- survived a grueling last Semester of my four years in Nursing –all those requirements, case studies, individual case studies, seminars, duties, completions, etc…etc… ETC…

- graduated from College and got my BS Nursing degree

- celebrated SUMMER like I’ve never had before. At times I was irresponsible, unforgiving and even selfish. But with all honestly, it felt good to just be YOUNG and restless. And I know that someday when I’m old and wrinkly (hopefully I’ll be sitting down with a grandson or granddaughter looking at photos), I’ll be laughing my ass off at the memories of having once enjoyed my YOUTH!

- got my first “unofficial job” as a ghost writer. That job surprisingly proved to be tougher than it will ever sound, but it was a good learning experience.

- drank and got drunk at the beach… I still laugh so hard at the thought of that afternoon. It may sound extremely shallow, but I believe every human being should try this at least once and see for themselves… try swimming in the ocean extremely tipsy and just FLOAT… Hahaha, you’ll never forget that feeling! This is definitely one item on my bucket list that has a check on it. I hope to do this sometime in the future again, perhaps in a more beautiful beach next time in some other exotic country. Ahh, to be Young and carefree!

- said “hello” and “goodbye” to so many people, so fast… And these days, I’m getting used to it

- My uncle passed away last Summer. The last time we lost someone in the family, I was too young to comprehend the loss. This time, I still can’t get my hands on total comprehension.

- 6 months of agonizing UNCERTAINTY…

- My dad survived a Coronary Artery Bypass Graph (CBAG) operation -5 arteries in his heart!!! It was a whole month of being in and out of the hospital. And there will be so much more from that experience... people were brought together in the most unusual ways

- turned 21... legal, yet still very much a kid at heart!

- I realized how life gives us pleasant surprises and little miracles every day.

- two days of happy family time then four days of liberating “me” time in Manila

- awakening, uncertainty, disappointment, clarity then contentment…

- lost my phone at the airport, then after retrieving my phone line and all my contacts, my SIM card broke just after a few days and I lost all my contacts again….

- had rare opportunities to spend time and have untainted memories with "people that matter"... close friends and family.

- had a wonderful Christmas with my family where at the stroke of midnight, we woke each other up, greeted/kissed each other and exchanged gifts… the last time we did that was when I was little

- the Christmas/New Year holidays were spent with the most important people –family and friends… endless laughter, stories and good times

- had a drunken rambling fit for the very FIRST TIME. I’m never doing that ever again…

- had a quiet yet interesting New Year’s eve... =) somehow there's a feeling of "closure" with one particular story

…so so soooo much more actually happened in between all these things. Some highlights are either too personal or too petty for me to include in the list. And some, I'm just not emotionally brave enough to tell or to explain to the whole world. Besides, it will be IMPOSSIBLE to fit the beauty and complexity of LIFE, even for just a year, in such limited space.

But like I said, it's been a very colorful 2008. There has been so many things that I've learned and so many things that I have been and am grateful for. Most importantly, I'm truly blessed that I got through the year with the people that matter always at my side in every moment, whether happy or difficult.

As for the new year, I really believe that I've started it right. And now, I'm pretty excited for all these new things going on and all the things that I'm just about to embark on. I am hopeful for the days to come even though I know that it won't always be a bed of roses. But I know that like the year that has passed, I'll get through the highs and the lows just fine. And with that, I am hopeful!

I may feel like a fish out of water these days, but it's such a liberating thing that it can only be goooooooooood. So CHEERS to a New Year and to a whole list of new beginnings!

If 'Twilight' Was 10 Time Shorter And 100 Times More Honest | Cracked.com

2009-01-05T22:17:00.001+08:00

On Saturdays, we ask some of our favorite sites on the web to fill in for us. You get to learn about an awesome site you may not have heard of, and we get to watch cartoons in our boxers. Today Rod Hi...

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And You Give Your Self Away...

2008-11-15T21:56:00.000+08:00

shivers... shivers...

Of Uncertainty

2008-10-13T20:24:00.007+08:00

A few days ago, I told a friend that the feeling i hate the most is having to wait. Boy, I bet I sounded like a big BRAT! Come to think of it, I guess I wasn't really being clear on my point -it just occurred to me now.

It's not that I hate waiting per se because to be realistic, that's actually an inevitable thing. But I think what I really hate is the UNCERTAINTY that comes along with the wait. That's probably it, so let me rephrase that again... I really, really, reallyyyy hate the feeling of UNCERTAINTY.

You see, UNCERTAINTY brings out a lot of evils in people -paranoia, depression, desperation, and I could go on and on. It pushes one to his/her boiling point. And believe me, nothing good can ever come out of that. The worst part of course, is when we end up hurting people around us, or even ourselves. Tsk.

I guess I only have myself to blame for this one. I've gotten so used to being "SAFE" that I now have huge tendencies to fear failure. Or at least most of the time, I never give myself any allowance for lapses. It's not human I believe. Everyone should be much kinder to their selves. Now I know that I should've been and should be much more forgiving to myself.

Oh well, whatever happens, will happen. And so, it's really futile to worry. I should just focus instead and try to make things move forward for me. Because no, it's not the end of the world yet. I've got too much potential and I shouldn't let it all go to waste. =) (aherrm! see? Positive!)

P.S. I'm thankful for FRIENDS who are able make me LAUGH heartily! =D They're such Life Savers! Gamot sa Hypoglycemia! Hekhek (corney!)

Stand Still

2008-10-07T21:06:00.005+08:00

I am at a stand still. I was sitting there staring blankly with a million thoughts rushing in a single second, and I knew... I knew I was in trouble. If this could've been six years ago, I would have been elated. If this would be six years later, then I'd be in hell. And it echoes in my mind you know, that word. And what a terrible word it is... stagnation. But I just can't help it, there are the usual casualties... and the tragedies. Ha! The story of my life! It's such a cruel world. I really have to get out of this black hole soon. It's starting to get to me again.

Yerrr whatever, I need to rant.

Dad's Quintuple Heart Bypass

2008-09-15T22:10:00.014+08:00

After days and days of staying in the hospital for his heart surgery, my dad's finally coming home tomorrow! =)

This whole experience hasn't been easy. In fact, all these rashes and allergy attacks i've been getting lately have just proven how stressful things have been. But the thing is, there's just so much to be happy and grateful for that all one can do is bow down to the greater power that makes all things possible.

Throughout the experience, we have all been brought back together as a family and through the process, we've all gotten our little shares of grace and mercy. And we're just thankful for still being able to celebrate and enjoy the prolonging of our father's life...

Here are some things I've realized...
- God really does answer prayers -in His own time, and in His own way. But the point is, He answers prayers.
- The people you truly love are the only ones who could truly hurt you or bring you real joy.
- Prayer isn't about yourself -whether or not you believe you're worthy. It's about running to God in your most vulnerable and helpless moments, and surrendering to Him all your hopes and fears. It's not about YOU, it's about HIM and His saving grace. =)
- We can all choose to be angry, begrudging, or unforgiving at some point in our lives... but we really gain nothing from it. All we can do is let go...
- Real forgiveness is a personal decision and it doesn't matter if it's not reciprocated.
- Good things can result from one's humility.

... There really has been so much more I've learned, but it's too overwhelming and the picture's so much bigger than me that it's pretty difficult to express. The point is, I'm happy. We're happy. I love my dad, and I'm thankful that God has been so good by giving him another chance at a new life. =)

With Daddy (Pre-Bypass)

2008-09-08T22:21:00.005+08:00

Because we all LOVE Daddy, and we all want to show our support...

Haha! It was like a party at the hospital tonight! (c",)

Unfamiliar Vulnerability

2008-09-06T22:58:00.015+08:00

And when Jesus came into the ruler's house, and saw the minstrels and the people making a noise, He said unto them, Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth. And they laughed him to scorn. But when the people were put forth, he went in, and took her by the hand, and the maid arose. And the fame hereof went abroad into all the land.
Matthew 9: 24-26

I believe that I'm not one who is used to being vulnerable. It's not that I don't ever get emotional or that I don't ever have to face hardships and stresses. It's just that, most times, I prefer fighting my battles in silence rather than shouting them out for the whole world to digest.

In instances where I get overwhelmed with emotions, I do allow myself expression. But I do this amongst closed doors and away from seeing eyes. I even said to my best friend once, "Grab a pillow to your face, scream your lungs out, maybe even allow yourself to bawl for about 3 minutes and then suck it all in, get up and go on with your day... The world won't stop just because you're having a hard time." I guess this is just how I choose to fight my battles.

To be honest about it, these days aren't the most easy-breezy. I am under a lot of stress, confusion, anger and most of all, fear. Of course, as it is typical of me, I go about my day the best way I can -facing each task one at a time, completing whatever I can get done, and I even make time to help others the best way I can, and mind you that I do all these things with a smile on my face and a joke ready to throw at one hand. But to be honest, it hasn't been easy.

A few things have just sinked in and I am quite overwhelmed. I'm not comfortable with having to "let go" but I realize that perhaps this is the whole point of the situation. Maybe all these things are happening for me to be able to step down from PRIDE and learn to accept helplessness. And maybe from that vulnerability, a sense of hope can spring forth.

I'm not used to all of this, and most of the time, I can't seem to trust myself enough. I find it difficult to have no control over events. But I guess I'm asking the wrong questions and focusing on the wrong person, because the truth is... it's no longer about me. Faith... hope... it's never about ME.

Vulnerability has always been unfamiliar territory. And for the most part, I've always kept myself at a good distance. But sometimes, circumstances may surprise us when we least expect it. All we could really do is let go and have faith. Fighting battles in silence may not be the most effortless thing in the world, but this is the only way I know how to do it. 3 to 5 minutes at a time, I allow myself to be vulnerable, but then, I always get up and go on with my day. But that's life and even though it's overwhelming, it's comforting to know that it's never just about oneself and that it goes on and on... And all you're really left to do is let go...

Dear Mr. Obama,

2008-08-29T22:28:00.018+08:00

That speech you made last night was truly inspiring. If I were an American, you could certainly count on my vote, but I guess I'm not. (",) But still, I'm sure you'd appreciate to know that across the Atlantic, there were people who listened to you with eyes and ears wide open, clinging to your every word...

I wish I can tell you that I believe America isn't only a great nation with great spirit. I believe America is an IDEA -idea of a place where people can embrace CHANGE for the BETTER and live out their dreams. And with the CHANGE that you promise in your campaign, I truly hope that this will not only affect your nation, and that you would inflict it amongst the international community as well. (",)

You see, in a poor country such as ours, we are rarely inspired by our politicians. In fact, more often than not, we are left disheartened and desolate from their false promises and power playing schemes. I do not wish to sound unpatriotic to my motherland, because the truth is, I do love my Las Islas Filipinas. But when you see poverty, corruption, or ignorance as things that are no longer "problems" to solve but are regular elements to everyday life, you would probably understand how clamoring for CHANGE may seem like a balloon that has flown way too high up in the air.

But Mr. Obama, I do hope you win. And when you do, I hope that you keep your promises to pave way for CHANGE. Maybe, just maybe... we could all wake up to a tomorrow that is much lighter than today.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

My dad asked me to take a snapshot of that public announcement sign board placed for the road construction happening at the adjacent street from our house. Upon taking the photo, I found a few things quite disheartening (yet amusing all at the same time). All this talk about politics has really got me thinking lately. Haha! Now now...Can you please tell me what it is WRONG with this picture?!?!! (",) (You can CLICK ON THE PICTURE for a larger view)

I'm Trying To Stop Whining. Seriously. Haha

2008-08-28T13:34:00.010+08:00

I'm going to start writing in bullets again because there are quite a few things on my mind lately...

- I don't like the feeling of getting up in the morning and not knowing what to do. I guess now I've learned to appreciate how much of a wonderful thing it is to have a ROUTINE. It's not that I want my life to become an unending cycle of work, sleep, work and sleep. Of course, I'd still love to have adventure and spontaneity in life, but the thing is, I hate not having a clear-cut plan for everyday or not knowing what exactly I have to accomplish for the remaining hours. Spontaneity and living life in a "come what may" manner, I believe, should be reserved on special days to relax... like during weekends, after days and days of hard work.

- I keep forcing myself to have a positive outlook for things. But I understand how hard it can be when it seems you can't keep track of your actual goals anymore. Waiting is such an agonizing thing really.

- I was talking and catching up with my best friend last night and I just realized how much I terribly miss her. I understand what her boyfriend meant when he told me how difficult it is not to have someone around for intellectual conversations or goofing around in such a manner that isn't forced. Don't get me wrong. I have lots of friends that are great conversationalists and are really quite interesting to spend time with, but I guess it's different when you've gotten used to a certain person who was always just around. It's not the same.

- I wanted to say to a friend the other day that eventually he'd have to tell himself to STOP WHINING AND SUCK IT ALL IN. Of course, I knew that I was also trying to tell myself the very same thing. Hahaha

- There's this thing that I really want. And I know it's quite a selfish thing to ask for at a time when all I should be is selfless and understanding. At the back of my mind I hope for it still, but of course I don't bother mentioning it much anymore. Last night however, I heard someone mention that there might be hope... maybe there might... who knows.

- People should know that they cannot just come in and out of someone's life as they please. It's just wrong.

- It's funny that when someone asked me about a certain thing, all I could answer was, "It's still there. It's just there. It's always just around." I couldn't think of anything else that I could honestly say about it anyway. So I'm wondering whether this is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I think I'm such a terrible person and I don't know how to appreciate something good when it's right in front of me.

- I don't understand why in a poor country such as the Philippines, people have to make things difficult for others -as if things aren't hard enough just as they are. Lines are always longer, there seem to be more papers to fill-up, more steps to take, more people or signatures to seek, more receipts to show... seriously, I can't understand why there has to be so much unnecessary things to be done when people should just be helping each other to get into a better position in life. It would be alright if the systems alone are the only things that are "backwards," but when people have to think "backwards" as well, somehow one just can't help but feel that it's a hopeless case.

Angiogram

2008-08-26T14:23:00.006+08:00

I just stepped out of the Operating Room a few minutes ago. I was in there with my mom while my dad was being rolled out towards the recovery suite from his Angiogram.

I still can’t comprehend how lightly I’ve taken all of this when it was just starting out. I should’ve known, and I should’ve been able to feel it in my instincts… after all, this is what I have been trying to get into my head for the past four years. But I guess denial doesn’t choose its subjects. And just perhaps, it strikes the hardest to those who should know. After all, what is there to deny if there isn’t at least a bit of knowledge right?

Anyway, the doctors showed us the images of dad’s angiogram. As I was viewing my father’s heart pumping, there I saw them… those stubborn occlusions in his coronary arteries. I was surprised at how extensive the affected areas were. With my dad’s symptoms surfacing on the outside (or the lack of), I wouldn’t have suspected mayhem going on inside his heart…

We still have to decide on what particular surgery he should undergo. But it’s certain that he’s going to need and get it. Most likely, he’d need Bypass…

I’m now sitting here inside an empty hospital room while waiting for Dad to be back from the PACU (Post Anesthesia Care Unit). There are a million things in and out of my head, though I can’t fathom much…

(I wrote this originally at 10:09am)

.......................

UPDATE: Dad's going to get triple Bypass, maybe around two weeks from now. =)

Priscilla Ahn

2008-08-24T12:42:00.007+08:00

Split Series Priscilla Ahn - Dream
by lablogotheque

I've been listening to Priscilla Ahn's song, Dream, for quite some time now (maybe around a year or two years ago because of Grey's Anatomy) and I've always found it amazing. This is why I can't believe it took me this long to listen to the rest of what she has to offer. I absolutely love her music!!! It's easy on the ears, honest, and sometimes even funny (go look for "Boob Song"). She's got amazing talent! I'm hooked!

And by the way, my phone broke.. It still functions, but check out how it looks! Tsk! The casing's been flapping for a while now, but it pretty much still held itself together until this morning. I charged it in the other room last night, and when I woke up this morning, I found it in this state. Either my mom or dad probably dropped it. I don't blame anyone though and no use to be angry about it. Now I really have to buy a new casing! Sheesh! I'm broke (I swear I'm poor!!!)!

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

2008-08-22T20:52:00.007+08:00

I keep delaying having to study. I don't know if I'd end up regretting this when November comes, but I'm still learning right? Haha, just not the things that'll come out in the board exams I guess.

Last night and this morning I started and finished reading Khaled Hosseini's A Thousand Splendid Suns. It was beautiful, and I'm still hooked. Here's one of my favorite excerpts from the book. I was tearing-up and the hair on my arms were standing through this part (SPOILER ALERT!!!)...

Except every once in a long while, when Laila was a grown woman, ironing a shirt or pushing her children on a swing set, something trivial, maybe the warmth of a carpet beneath her feet on a hot day or the curve of a stranger's forehead, would set off a memory of that afternoon together. And it would all come rushing back. The spontaneity of it. Their astonishing imprudence. Their clumsiness. The pain of the act, the pleasure of it, the sadness of it. The heat of their entangled bodies.

It would flood her, steal her breath.

But then it would pass. The moment would pass. Leave her deflated, feeling nothing but a vague restlessness.

She decided that he had said Am I hurting you? Yes. That was it. Laila was happy that she'd remembered.

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A Few Things...

2008-08-19T08:40:00.003+08:00

For the past week, so much has happened. From my dad suffering a heart attack and spending a week in the hospital, to finally completing my needed Major Operations -there has been a lot to be thankful for, and even much more reason to strive. It hasn't been easy, and it continues to be difficult still... I guess I just have to take it one at a time, and learn to surrender a huge part of all of this to a greater power.

- You're difficult. And it's hurtful that despite my attempts, I know I'll never meet your standards. And every time you give me one of your disapproving looks, or say things that point-out my failures, it just cuts through even more. It's even harder that the hurt is only combined with guilt... that I feel like I'm giving you additional burden and worry. It's difficult.. you're difficult. And I guess it's only this way because you matter so much, which makes everything multiply a hundred times more.

- I know you've always been vague, but I guess there was a tiny portion there that I've always reserved for possibilities. But now that I hear all these things that your friends tell me, and remember the things you told me before... I guess it's true then, you are a coward. And it's sad because I've always reserved a small portion for possibilities. But you've always been late and hazy at your attempts. I can't afford half-hearted efforts. I've got too much to lose.

- Now I finally understand what it's like to be you. I'm sorry I haven't been very grateful in the past, but I hope there's some way I could show you how truly sorry and thankful I am for you.

- I'm sure you're pissed at me, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you for you to realize it... but things are different now. You've changed and I've changed. It's just not the same. And unlike you, I don't believe that people are dispensable, but I guess there are times when you just have to give up on someone. It's just not the same.

- No. We are not in the same situation... you imposed that on yourself. I didn't ask for this. But because you're still a friend, I continue to try my best to be there for you. But with the rate you're going, you might just be one of those people who will never allow themselves to be happy. You doom things before they even reach their testing points.

- I really do miss you. It's not the same without you.

- You're great.. but everything else scares me. And I really am one of the biggest hypocrites around, because maybe I'm one of those people too... I doom things... and perhaps, I just don't give enough credit to myself to allow happiness a chance.

- I wish you can come back now. It's not the same without your help. I feel alone... I need you.

Sorry all these things sound so dramatic. I'm fine really. It just hasn't been easy lately. =)

In Limbo But Making My Way...

2008-08-03T16:56:00.012+08:00

I really don't mind being busy or having to do a lot of things. In fact, a huge part of me actually loves that kind of life. At least in a way, I won't have to feel so useless and unproductive all the time... it beats doing nothing and feeling really guilty about wasting time!

But you see, what I really don't like is that state of limbo where you have to do so many things yet you're not really sure on which direction you're going to end up. And I have to admit that I have been (and I probably still am) very, very anxious lately. I just can't help it. I'm a worrier, and I've always been this way even if it doesn't really show much on the surface (I'm usually calm and collected). But then again, life always has its way of reminding you about the clear picture. And even if I'm still in limbo and I know there will still be those times that I'll continue to feel the agony of uncertainty (I swear! WAITING for something UNCERTAIN is one of the worst feelings in the world!), I've decided that I WON'T ALLOW MYSELF TO WORRY. Or at least, I'll try my best not to worry so much. Countless people and circumstances have told me over the past few days... TRUST and HAVE FAITH in yourself, your mind, the people around you, circumstance and of course, in God.

And fair enough, even if I feel EXHAUSTED at the moment... and even if I know there will be more busy and tiring days that are yet to come, I know that I'm a little bit happier now. Trust.. Faith... Patience... I have a plan and so does He... and life will unfold in its own time. I'm in limbo at the moment, but I'm making my way... one small step at a time. Whatever goes! There's no harm in trying! =)

P.S. It also helped a lot that I got to spend time over the weekend with people that I really do miss very, very much! Somehow they always know the right time to reappear in life when I need reminding on how FUN it should be! And there are a still a few more people that I miss and really wish I could spend time with right now, but I guess that's just not possible. But someone said patience is usually something that's rewarded greatly in the future. And so, I'm holding on to that string but at the same time, I'm being practical and realistic... MOVING ON WITH LIFE! After all, we're young.. and there's no use sulking all that negativity! Viva la Vida!

P.P.S. Haha! For those who aren't used to it, I'm sorry I don't go online these days as often as I used to... I swear, I haven't had much time and I probably would continue to not have as much time! I'm not disappearing people, I'm just going along with priorities! But I'll try to update as much as I can. =)

Oh! But Maria Clara's Lame!

2008-07-24T17:51:00.018+08:00

It's a funny thing in Filipino culture that the whole concept of the ideal woman is taken from the image of Maria Clara... Oh we all know her, Maria Clara -that pretty, shy and demure lady whom all the guys and their mothers adore. After all, most of us (filipino women) were brought up in her mold. We'd often hear our mothers, aunts, and grandmothers tell us lines like, "Hija, you shouldn't laugh so loud. The size of your mouth reflects the size of you *aherm*" or "Girls shouldn't go chasing after boys and a true lady should always play hard to get (maldita effect)." In most filipino households, women have been cast into the image of this Spanish-era fictional Filipina and how society views the way she might act in modern times. We have been told to cover our mouths with a hanky when we'd laugh in public, speak in soft voices, and of course, be shy or even "cold" around the company of men (especially when they flirt).

However, I've always had doubts on this whole Filipino concept of the Maria Clara. Sure, I agree that an ideal woman shouldn't go around being a tease or throw herself to the pleasure of boys, but I just cannot understand that the image of a beautiful woman should be one that is cold-hearted, condescending and prude. You see, even though I was mostly brought up around traditional Filipino values, I guess I could say that I've had my fair share of both worlds. After all, being the only daughter and growing up with three older brothers, one has to adjust to the wavering summons of being a "lady" or of being "one of the boys."

I'd like to think that I am quite liberal in how I view things these days. I agree in the partial concept of Maria Clara as an image of a strong woman who knows her worth and would not throw herself amongst undeserving suitors, but I abhor the sight of her toying with men's feelings or looking at them from above a pedestal like they're the most filthy things she has seen. I believe in equality and I believe in giving most people a fair chance (I believe that Feminism = Women Empowerment not "women should go barbecue men and rule the world"... where's the FUN in that?! HAHA! Get it? Besides the whole "Maria Clara" concept is even anti-Feminist in so many aspects). That's why I don't see anything wrong if a modern Filipina woman would be more friendly towards men or would open herself up to getting to know more people or even (*wink* *wink*) dating.

I'm not saying she has to be rowdy or throw herself towards people. All I am saying is that I wouldn't think it would hurt to open one's self to harmless conversations or to smile back if some cute random stranger (who seems harmless) throws you a nice grin (*aherm*). After all, we're no longer wearing our Lola's half-slips ladies. Haha. And thus, my best friend and I coined our new image of a more mature and strong female concept of Marie Claire -that modern Filipina woman who is in-control of her own life, knows what she wants, and is secure enough to view herself as an equal amongst the company of men. She still has her values in tact of course, but she's not a prude nor is she stuck-up. (You see why Jose Rizal killed Maria Clara in his novel?!!! And she died from misery too!!! Hahaha) Viva Marie Claire!!!

BUT here's the irony of it all. I've always been convicted with my ideas on Maria Clara and I've been pretty sure that I was right on track in trying to become the ideal Marie Claire.. until... today! Well the funny thing is, old habits die hard! And no matter how hard I try to be approachable and friendlier, sometimes I guess it's just not so easy when you don't have that modern and liberal concept of self-confidence backing you up when you need it the most. So when a cute guy (aherm!) gave me "the moves" today (allow me to assume ok?! I don't know him anyway! Hmph! Hahaha! And it really was flattering! AYAW NA PALAG! Hahaha!)... sadly, all I could manage to do was give a pathetic half-smile and avoid eye contact.. because because.. oh not because I think too highly of myself or because I'm a prude... hahahaha.. it was all because little ol' me was still too shy to pull a good Marie Claire on him! Hahahaha. I guess I still need some more practice after all. As what my best friend would keep telling me, "Oh don't be Maria Clara! She's lame! Be Marie Claire!!!"... Now I only have to work a little more on this whole self-confidence thing... Hahahaha.. Lessons anyone!? HAHAHA!!...

P.S. This is a really "girly" post, and it's coming from a weird heterosexual girl's point-of-view. So please don't crucify me if I tend to generalize too much. You can always rebut my ideas if you want!!! Feel free!

Watching The Train Go By...

2008-07-12T08:31:00.010+08:00

If I've said this before, well then, I'll say it again... and if I have to, again and again. WAITING is the worst feeling in the world. It does not only stir anxiety, but more than that, it agonizes you in such a slow pace that it is as if it is killing you piece by piece. And it's ironic how a friend told me the other day that I might get rewarded for my patience (for different reasons of course), because I just do not feel the least bit of calm and collectivity these days. And yes, I am apprehensive with my current standing. And I guess I worry to the point that I'm not really functioning so well anymore. I've even become quite passive-aggressive lately. The rest of the world is on a fast-speeding train, and I am standing on the sidelines.

And since today has been yet another one for more passive-aggressiveness, I found the perfect song to contribute to my melancholic feeling -Tonight by Lykke Li. I think I have a serious "girl crush" on her now.

Heart Attack?!?!!?!????!

2008-07-07T23:04:00.012+08:00

Tonight I almost got a heart attack from my mother's false cardiac arrest. Okay, I realize it's a bit unfair to call it a "false" heart attack because she really did experience awful chest pains, but it is such a relief after all to find out from the doctor that there isn't really anything significantly wrong with her ol' pumper. But boy, did I jump off my seat (I literally did I think) from this one!!! here's the story...

I was talking to a friend earlier tonight, when I suddenly got an unusual call from my mom (good thing that she surprisingly managed to USE her phone this time). "Hello Hun? I'm sorry I can't buy those things you need for tonight. Can you please come pick me up. I'm having chest pains and I've managed to sit down here at SM for a while. I'm at the second floor, Women's Plus Size section," she said. As I've mentioned earlier, I literally jumped off my seat from that call. I immediately ran to my dad so we could go get my mother at the mall... we were in semi-panic... things like this should never be taken lightly after all. As quickly as we managed, my father and I arrived at the mall and I immediately sprinted off to the second floor (while Dad looked for parking) to go see if my mother was doing fine. In fact, my dad didn't even initially plan to find parking because we thought that I could just bring my mom down and dad would be waiting for us in the car for us to be able to quickly bring her to the hospital. BUT THEN (tan-tana-dan!!!), when I got there I found my mom... surrounded by sales clerks, calmly browsing through plus-sized jeans. I was dumbfounded as I rushed to her side...

Me: My, are you okay? Come on, let's go get you to the hospital. Dad's waiting sa parking.
Mom: Ay okay na ako Hun. Go call your Dad.
Me: Mommy.. naunsa man ka? Akala ko masakit chest mo? (sales persons were staring at us at this point) What's the character of the pain? Crushing? Parang may mabigat na weight sa chest mo?? Are you having any difficulty breathing? Does it radiate to the sides? Shoulders? Back? Is the pain still continuous? Are your relieved when you sit down? (Nursing Assessment! Hahaha)
Mom: It's still there, but it's a bit better now. It's a choking kind of pain. It's like my chest is painful because I need to spit something I've eaten out. It's not as painful as it was a while ago, but it's still there, though better.
Me: Just around your chest, or does it radiate to the sides? to your back?
Mom: Radiates to my back...
Me: Tara na, Dad's waiting..
(My Mother gets my phone, calls my Dad asks him to go to where we were at the moment)
Me: Mom bah, punta na tayo hospital
Mom: Hunny uy, I'm okay already. No need to go to the hospital.
Me: What?!!.... You need to go to the hospital. Just to be sure. These are CHEST PAINS...

After a short while of minimal arguing as I was trying to get my mom to go to the hospital (I think I almost wanted to cry just so she'd give in. And mind you, she was still shopping for clothes the whole time), my father arrived. My dad also tried to convince my mom to go the hospital, but stubborn little her didn't budge. Instead, she was the one who was able to convince my dad to buy her a couple of new pairs of pants. She also managed to get my father to treat us out for dinner (at this point, my brother, sister-in-law and nephew were also around because we called for help prior to finding out the REAL SITUATION). Fast-forward to a great dinner with the family, my mom finally agreed to go see the doctor.

We went to the hospital to have her checked up, and found out from the physician that there wasn't anything significantly wrong -at least from the tests performed. The physician said that her chest pains were most probably stress-related (true!!!), since she has been under quite a lot of pressure for the past few weeks. So I guess we all went home tired yet smiling after that.

Ayayay! I guess, situations like this one, can truly wake us up to see what we have and how important they are to us. Sure, it was a false alarm... and to be honest, if I think about it now, I'd actually roll my eyes. But I guess it woke me up to how important my mother is to me. And the possibility of actually going through a real emergency like that one just haunts me because no degree of training or education could ever prepare me for something terrible that could happen. It also surprises me to think how stubborn my mother is (and she says I'M STUBBORN! Ha!)... and all these other little things that I've found out about her from tonight. Like what I told my brother (Jay) last weekend -either you become the exact opposite, or you take on most of what they are. ...

I'm still rolling my eyes at the moment, but at the same time, I'm giving out a big sigh of relief. What a night! I think I was the one who could've really gotten a heart attack! Can someone please get me an ECG reading now?!... Sheeeeesh!

How Do You Eat A Piece Of Cake?

2008-06-30T08:48:00.015+08:00

They say that a person's ability for delayed gratification is one of the ultimate signs of maturity. If that's the case, I guess I'm still quite immature at this point in time.

Some months ago, if someone would ask how I'd eat a piece of cake I'd probably answer that I usually try to take a single bite with every part in it -a little bit of the top (icing), middle and bottom. In this way, I'd be tasting everything the cake has to offer in one bite. Recent events, however, made me realize that there is something wrong with this type of philosophy. Sure, it worked alright for me during my student years -if not quite well, at least enough to get me through until graduation- but now, it's just not smart to mix pleasure with work all the time. After all, we all know I get distracted quite easily these days.

And so, I'm struggling to kick myself out of the habit -trying to get back to the race and depriving my inner child for a bit. But it isn't easy, and I can't exactly say that I've already found success in this change I'm trying to impose on myself. But I'm trying.

I guess this is what I get for being on "vacation" for too long. And it doesn't help that I'm facing a few situations that are already complicated just as they are, much more I have to impose a certain discipline on myself. But I seriously have to get back to reality. Good things can wait. I just have to get through certain things first (If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.. in time).

I need to learn to eat my piece of cake starting from the bottom now and work my way up. The bottom, which isn't the most tasty part as it usually has the least icing and flavor, is something that I have to get through before I get to taste whatever the middle and the top has to offer. Before I taste the sweetness and richness of something, I must first toil on responsibilities and the routine of life. At least this is the only way I can truly have a guilt-free taste of that top later on -delayed gratification.

-------------------------

I'm seriously not feeling okay at the moment:

1. I think I have a couple of wisdom teeth growing (but I have to confirm that with the dentist this afternoon), which just bothers me all the time and so I have trouble eating (oh no!!!), trouble reading, and trouble talking (I hope you understand people why I'm not always my usual self these past few days).

2. I have red patches on my face because of allergies. And no, I obviously don't feel tisay 'cause my cheeks are pink! UGH! Hahaha! They're really ugly, but I'm relying on this olive oil and herb soap (Gamila Soap) to make them heal faster.

3. Cramps cramps cramps!!! I curse you hormones!!!

But despite these.. a few things cheered me up today. And one of them is receiving a very special package from a very good friend who is at Spain at the moment.I was like a little kid on Christmas morning! Thank you so much Kristia! You seriously made my day! Come home to Davao and you're welcome to stay over at my house and claim my room for as long as you need it (well not that long, but you know you're welcome here!).

A Beautiful Mess

2008-06-23T20:53:00.011+08:00

I know I've said this before (and so have a million of other girls), but I'm stoked. I think I want to marry Jason Mraz now!!! I can't believe I waited this long to actually listen (and I mean really LISTEN) to this song when I've had his album for quite some time now. Not only can his voice bring you chills in this one, but his words are just so haunting that they're beyond beautiful. (Hahaha, that's quite a queso thing to say but heyyy!!)

"You've got the best of both worlds. You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, and lift him back up again. You are strong but you're needy... humble but you're greedy... based on your body language, your shouted cursive I've been reading. You're style is quite selective, though your mind is rather reckless. Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is..... Hey, what a beautiful mess this is. It's like picking up trash in dresses... Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write, kind of turn themselves into knives. And don't mind my nerve you can call it fiction. 'Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear... 'Cause here we are, here we are... Although you were biased I love your advice. Your comebacks, they're quick... and probably have to do with your insecurities. There's no shame in being crazy... depending on how you take these words that I'm paraphrasing... this relationship we're staging... And it's a beautiful mess, yes it is. It's like, we are picking up trash in dresses... Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say.. kind of turn themselves into blades. And the kind and courteous is a life I've heard, but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt... 'Cause here, here we are, here we are.. We're still here. And it's a beautiful mess, yes it is, it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes. And through timeless words and priceless pictures, we'll fly like birds not of this earth. And tides they turn and hearts disfigure.. but that's no concern when we're wounded together. And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts. But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it... Here we are..."

Goodbye Apathy

2008-06-16T21:34:00.004+08:00

I have been very, very distracted with so many things lately. Well.. it's actually more UNMOTIVATED than distracted, but I really need to wake up from hibernation now and start getting to work. Concentrate. Focus. Pressure.. Oh goodness.. I need help.

Whatever Goes

2008-06-11T21:01:00.007+08:00

Believe it or not, I have written and erased.. re-written and re-erased quite a few entries these past couple of days...

And I guess I really do mean it when I say that I am the biggest hypocrite I know... because the other day, when I was telling my friend that I thought she rationalized things way too much and that she should just allow herself an ounce of happiness to enjoy things the way they are... I was really just trying to convince myself to do the same.

I don't know if you've noticed. But I do have that tendency, don't I? I think way too much. And I ramble. And I worry. And I panic. I really am one nervous wreck. I bet you can tell by now. I am a bit of a control freak. And you see, a lot of things are new to me. And although I consider myself quite a spontaneous one, I'm sure you understand how difficult it can be sometimes to step out of your comfort zone.

But then again, I can continue to ramble... and think... and try to rationalize things... and try to make out a series of plans... but I'm just too tired to do that now. And for the first time, I just want to "try" doing something different for a change. Maybe everyone's right when they tell me that I think too much. I just can't help it most of the time. But then again... just this once... maybe it won't be so bad to just let things be... whatever happens. I don't know until when it will last, but hey... no pressure right? I just really want to stop thinking too much now. =) Whatever goes.. as long as it's a good thing, right? =)

Post-BSN/Pre-RN Oh No's!!!

2008-06-06T18:34:00.017+08:00

It's funny how people seem to assume that once you've graduated, you can literally just do anything you want to do. Well reality check, that is not always the case.

Someone said to me today, "Oh you can do anything you want to do now. You're done with school." A million different things ran through my mind after hearing her say that. For one thing, I totally disagree... Here is my list on why the whole hullabaloo of graduating with a BS Nursing degree isn't what it's all hyped out to be (well, at least not for the first few months, or uhrmm. years):

1. Oh you're not exactly quite "DONE" yet!
- Even if you are technically out of the constraints of your school's campus, division's rules and the prying eye of clinical instructors, you still have to take on quite a number of steps before you can really say you're "done."

Let's talk about Completions for Operating and Delivery Room cases, filing for PRC approval (oh the PAPERWORK and oh the queuing!) and even, more STUDYING. Take in mind that before you can actually take a two day exam to determine whether or not you can expect a future in wearing white, you have to go through so much trouble and wait for quite some time. =) Life's a peach!

2. You can't exactly start looking for a job now, can you?
- If you're a Nursing graduate, have you actually tried to go on a job interview and have the interviewer tell you that they aren't really so sure about hiring Nursing graduates? Who could blame them? For one thing, the most time that these graduates could commit would most probably be around four to six months. Which means, that a company would spend so much to hire you for training, but you'd end up quitting in a short while anyway. In fact, you'd probably end up leaving your job way before you start making some considerable amount of money for the company. Most firms aren't willing to risk so much.

And even if you are actually determined to work diligently even after you have taken the Boards, do you honestly think that you can juggle everything mentioned on #1 (completions, PRC filing, and review) with all the stresses of that new job? Oh believe me... been there, done that! Hahaha.

A new job will only take too much of your time and distract you from your priorities. Besides, it's not like you can actually expect to get a decent full-time job. Most job opportunities that are open to post-BSN/pre-RN individuals are part-time stuff, and usually of the too-much-to-do-too-little-pay sort. And don't even let me get started on the "skills" part of your resume.

3. Show me the money! *Big GRIN*
- Now this is probably the toughest thing we'd have to discuss. Hahaha. If you're like me, and you're not-such-a-spoiled-brat (only a little) and you are actually capable of feeling shame every time you have to beg for money from your parents, then I bet the money thing would be a very big problem. As much as you would want to "go out" frequently with friends now that you finally have all the time in the world to do so, chances are, you'd probably end up guilty to overdo this. This is especially if your parents start nagging you about it. And again, because there is a steep chance to get a decent job and if you do get a decent job, the money thing still seems to be a problem, then I'm sure you get the whole picture.

4. That sedentary lifestyle needs some changing.. "if only I can find the strength to get up from this couch and put down my spoon."
- This is why I absolutely salute those of my batch mates who have started hitting the gym since summer, but to those who have not, tsktsk, look at those gorgeous love handles! =) Now I personally do not totally abhor this concept because I think I need a little of that weight, but the lack of exercise cannot be good for my health! But oh, we try to do sit-ups, stretching, and even jogging a little, but still... too much free time on your hands can only mean more time for food and sitting around. And you know what they say, too much of anything will always be very bad for you! Spank! Spank!

Okay, so I realize that this shouldn't be all bad. After all, being productive and getting your life on track is a matter of choice. If one chooses to lie around the whole day and do nothing, then that is completely the person's choice because there are a million ways available to make oneself useful if he/she really wants to be productive. But all I really want to say is that, with too much free time on your hands, and with options and opportunities being very scarce, most BSN graduates I know who have not yet taken the June Boards are definitely going through the same ordeal. And what's worse is that this can possibly go on for years... The bottom line is, the whole concept of people thinking how "perfect" the Nursing course can be for everyone is not exactly what it's all hyped up to be. And I have only discussed the tip of the iceberg here. Don't let me get started on much deeper and complicated issues, oh no!

So for everyone who thinks that once you have graduated, everything will seem less complicated and to those who keep giving false promises (ha! "the grass is greener" my ass!) to the ignorant, please think twice before you start to open your trap. I don't want to discourage people though, I just want people to realize reality and not to become gullible with trends. If you must know, I do not even regret my decision on taking up BS Nursing as my Collegiate course, however, no one really warned me before on such realities.. which is why I want to warn you now... just so you'll be prepared... and just so I can vent on how frustrating it makes me feel to hear people tell me, "you can do anything you want to do now since you have so much free time." =) Get it? Vale? Vale.

... Now if only I could've thought of all of this sooner... to think, people have been poking me for the past two years to contribute to the Nursing Division's yearly publication! This would've been a real eye-opener huh? It's not too late, is it dear editor?? =) Hahaha.

P.S. I think this is only applicable if you're taking up BS Nursing in the Philippines.. or in our school at least. Or it's a common thing among batch mates. I don't claim to be an expert. Just rambling out of experience.

Moon River

2008-06-05T18:17:00.003+08:00

While a few friends and I were going around the city yesterday for our pig-out, we were somehow consistently reminded of very nostalgic times -from old music to stuff from the 90's and even to good ol' comfort food. But there was one very specific thing that I could not shake off as soon as I got home last night.

While we were at Matina Town Square to chill, get some delicious seafood and basically just to listen to very good acoustic music, the artist suddenly performed one of our most favorite songs... "Moon River." And believe me when I say that I thought she was very good, because as soon as I got home, I was searching for similar acoustic versions of the classic on YouTube. To my dismay, nothing I've found matched up to how well she played the song (with the exception of Audrey Hepburn's version of course). But nonetheless, I found a pretty good version by another artist, Katie Melua. And so, I'm sharing this to everyone because it really is just such a beautiful song about hoping and dreaming... Enjoy!

Aha! New Blog!

2008-06-04T01:59:00.000+08:00

I was scanning through my old blog earlier today, and it hit me how much I was cringing. And so, without any hesitation at all.. I did it.. I finally clicked on that DELETE button (Well, not exactly delete, but no more public viewing at least)! And ta-dan!!! No more old melodramatic blog for blackmail references. Haha.

I guess steps like these are necessary at certain points in our lives. Change. Growing up. Sometimes we take a look at a past reflection of ourselves only to realize that we are no longer the same person, and we have become so detached to the things that remind us of what has been.

But foregoing with the "old" doesn't mean that the "new" has to be so different. At least, let's hope that this new girl can still write... But let's try to look forward to much lighter and more mature issues this time. I hope you'll stay tuned to my stories. Ciao!