Unfamiliar Vulnerability

And when Jesus came into the ruler's house, and saw the minstrels and the people making a noise, He said unto them, Give place: for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth. And they laughed him to scorn. But when the people were put forth, he went in, and took her by the hand, and the maid arose. And the fame hereof went abroad into all the land.
Matthew 9: 24-26

I believe that I'm not one who is used to being vulnerable. It's not that I don't ever get emotional or that I don't ever have to face hardships and stresses. It's just that, most times, I prefer fighting my battles in silence rather than shouting them out for the whole world to digest.

In instances where I get overwhelmed with emotions, I do allow myself expression. But I do this amongst closed doors and away from seeing eyes. I even said to my best friend once, "Grab a pillow to your face, scream your lungs out, maybe even allow yourself to bawl for about 3 minutes and then suck it all in, get up and go on with your day... The world won't stop just because you're having a hard time." I guess this is just how I choose to fight my battles.

To be honest about it, these days aren't the most easy-breezy. I am under a lot of stress, confusion, anger and most of all, fear. Of course, as it is typical of me, I go about my day the best way I can -facing each task one at a time, completing whatever I can get done, and I even make time to help others the best way I can, and mind you that I do all these things with a smile on my face and a joke ready to throw at one hand. But to be honest, it hasn't been easy.

A few things have just sinked in and I am quite overwhelmed. I'm not comfortable with having to "let go" but I realize that perhaps this is the whole point of the situation. Maybe all these things are happening for me to be able to step down from PRIDE and learn to accept helplessness. And maybe from that vulnerability, a sense of hope can spring forth.

I'm not used to all of this, and most of the time, I can't seem to trust myself enough. I find it difficult to have no control over events. But I guess I'm asking the wrong questions and focusing on the wrong person, because the truth is... it's no longer about me. Faith... hope... it's never about ME.

Vulnerability has always been unfamiliar territory. And for the most part, I've always kept myself at a good distance. But sometimes, circumstances may surprise us when we least expect it. All we could really do is let go and have faith. Fighting battles in silence may not be the most effortless thing in the world, but this is the only way I know how to do it. 3 to 5 minutes at a time, I allow myself to be vulnerable, but then, I always get up and go on with my day. But that's life and even though it's overwhelming, it's comforting to know that it's never just about oneself and that it goes on and on... And all you're really left to do is let go...