A Few Things...

For the past week, so much has happened. From my dad suffering a heart attack and spending a week in the hospital, to finally completing my needed Major Operations -there has been a lot to be thankful for, and even much more reason to strive. It hasn't been easy, and it continues to be difficult still... I guess I just have to take it one at a time, and learn to surrender a huge part of all of this to a greater power.

- You're difficult. And it's hurtful that despite my attempts, I know I'll never meet your standards. And every time you give me one of your disapproving looks, or say things that point-out my failures, it just cuts through even more. It's even harder that the hurt is only combined with guilt... that I feel like I'm giving you additional burden and worry. It's difficult.. you're difficult. And I guess it's only this way because you matter so much, which makes everything multiply a hundred times more.

- I know you've always been vague, but I guess there was a tiny portion there that I've always reserved for possibilities. But now that I hear all these things that your friends tell me, and remember the things you told me before... I guess it's true then, you are a coward. And it's sad because I've always reserved a small portion for possibilities. But you've always been late and hazy at your attempts. I can't afford half-hearted efforts. I've got too much to lose.

- Now I finally understand what it's like to be you. I'm sorry I haven't been very grateful in the past, but I hope there's some way I could show you how truly sorry and thankful I am for you.

- I'm sure you're pissed at me, and I'm sure I don't need to tell you for you to realize it... but things are different now. You've changed and I've changed. It's just not the same. And unlike you, I don't believe that people are dispensable, but I guess there are times when you just have to give up on someone. It's just not the same.

- No. We are not in the same situation... you imposed that on yourself. I didn't ask for this. But because you're still a friend, I continue to try my best to be there for you. But with the rate you're going, you might just be one of those people who will never allow themselves to be happy. You doom things before they even reach their testing points.

- I really do miss you. It's not the same without you.

- You're great.. but everything else scares me. And I really am one of the biggest hypocrites around, because maybe I'm one of those people too... I doom things... and perhaps, I just don't give enough credit to myself to allow happiness a chance.

- I wish you can come back now. It's not the same without your help. I feel alone... I need you.

Sorry all these things sound so dramatic. I'm fine really. It just hasn't been easy lately. =)